January 11...Hell has a name

Hell has a name, and it is Math.

More correctly, it is Algebra.

I tend to have a love/hate relationship with math. 

I am fairly good at it, I just don't enjoy it. 

But tonight, I got a taste of what hell looks like.

It is having a physicist for a math teacher, who skips so much because she assumes you know it, or can look at a math book and "get it" just by looking at the Swahili that is posing as the English language. 

Actually, it may be written in English, it's just English that is way smarter than me!

This class will probably be the death of me.  Just saying.

One of my classmates informed me tonight that the reason the nursing program went to requiring this class was because so many people were getting into the nursing program that it was creating a backlog, so this was one way to weed people out.

Great.

 I am going to die in this class.  Ugh. 

January 8th...yep.

So....

I missed a couple of days.  I admit it.  I thought about grabbing my computer and dashing off a quick entry, but did I?

No.

Instead I tried to get some kind of sleep inbetween kids and work this weekend.  It almost worked.

Almost.

So here I am on Sunday night, trying to make up for my lost two days.

At least I don't have to work tomorrow.  Kind of.  I do have to go in for a "mandatory compliance meeting" in the afternoon.  Because you know, when you have the day off, you just can't help but want to go in anyways.

Right?

Yea.  Didn't think so.

Oh yea, I start up a new semester this week too.  Technical Writing and College Algebra and Trig.  Oh boy.  I just can't wait. 

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

So when you are sitting at home on Wednesday nights, say a prayer to the math angels for me ok?

The English class is online, and I don't really anticipate any issues with it.  It's the math that may kill me in the end.  But all i have to get in that class is a C and I am done.  No points towards the program, no competition for it. 

Just a C, m'am. 

Please?

January 5...Is it Friday yet?

I love to laugh. 

I really do.  Anyone who knows me knows this. 

And today it felt really good to laugh at work again.

My co-worker actually got to work with me today, instead of on nights like we have been for the last month and a half.  And she is even more of a sarcastic smart-ass than I am...hard as that is to believe!

We laughed today while being "positive" (since we all got the company email that says negativity is not allowed and will cost us points on our evals, we have no choice really) in many ways...

"I'm positive that this sucks!"

"Not being negative but I am sure glad we don't have dept meetings...but notice how I'm not being sarcastically positive about this!"

"See how happy I am to figure this issue out without any supervisionary help?"

Yep.  It was one of those days.  But at least it's another day closer to Friday right?

Oh yea.  Except that I have to work this weekend. 

But I say that in a positive tone of voice, so that counts right?

January 4th...another day, another dime

When no one else is home but me, I usually end up burrowed in my bedroom on the computer.   I don't know why.

I know it's not a "fun" fact, but it's true.  I have noticed a tendency lately to burrow up within myself.  I know me.  I like me (most days).  I'm a fun person ( I think at least). 

I need to find a way to get out of my shell again.  School usually helps me with that.  Next week.  Class starts up again for me Wednesday night next week, if you don't count my online class. 

When I go to school, I am forced to walk into a classroom of people I may or may not know.  I am forced to sit with these people, interact with them, and get to know them for 16 weeks.  It helps me come out of my shell a little bit.

My shell needs cracked I guess.  I'm too comfortable in it for my own good.  But with my sweetheart working nights, and me working days I don't want to go anywhere.  Now maybe if he were home, it would be a different story.  But for now, this is how it is. 

And here is where you will find me.  In my shell.  All burrowed up.  Online.  :)

January 3rd...the last day of vacation

Fun fact for the day?  I love kettle-cooked chips.  I could eat an entire bag in one sitting if no one stopped me.

Got the Christmas stuff taken down and put away.  My poor apartment looks so naked and bare.  It is practically screaming at me to "put it all baccccckkkkkk!".  But not for another 11 months.  or so.

Tomorrow I go back to work.

I am not amused.

If I liked my job, it would be different.  Once upon a time, in another department far far away, I enjoyed going to work.  I had amazing co-workers (and I don't say that because some of them follow me lol).  They cared about you.  Asked about your holiday/vacation/medical issue/kids/husband/family/television viewing habits/granny/gramps/etc.  It was nice.

When I go back to work tomorrow, it will be a miracle if anyone even notices I am back. 

Or that I was gone.

It is really sad that my employment has become just that.  Employment.  I would be thrilled if Taco Bell called me and offered me a job as a bathroom cleaner.  That's how sad it is.

I think this has been the start of why I feel like I have no life, no friends, no one else to really hang out with, talk to, joke with. 

Because there is no one in my current department who cares.  They don't even give off a pretense of trying. 

You  may get small talk, but that is all.  And when someone they like better comes along, you are forgotten like yesterday's gift wrapping.  Normally you get looks.  Stares.  But no words.  I might as well be working by myself. 

And most days, I really would take working alone to working with these others.  Because I can entertain myself and not be conscious of the fact that I was put where I am thanks to downsizing and the inability to  make a hard decision for oneself, choosing instead to take the easy way out.

So tomorrow I go back to work.  Maybe I should call Taco Bell?  Just in case...

January 2...the day after...

Did you know that I love to sleep? 

Oh yes indeedy.  Late to bed and late to rise.  That's how I like it!  :) 

And did you also know that while I love to sleep, I hate waking up to half of my day already gone?

If you sleep in late, that's the price you pay.  I can totally hear my dad telling me this.

So, now that we are done with those fun facts (because I realized last night that it would be fun to include one of those in each post I did, but because I realized it after I made yesterday's post, today's had to include two) it's on to something else I realized this morning.

I have no life.

And by life, I mean one of those things that i see other people having on FB, Twitter and the news.  The things that they do on TV shows.  Heck, the things my 18-year old daughter even does.  Going out with friends.  Movies.  Shopping.  Eating out.  Inside jokes.  Meeting new people. 

I do not have one of these. 

My typical week consists of going to work, going to school (or doing classwork online), homework, dinner, sleep.  Rinse and repeat. 

Now some people will tell me that there is time for a life after school.  But I don't think so. 

I am 40 after all (I know, big gasp, followed by "you're so old" jokes).  And in order to get a life, it seems that you have to do it at a younger age, or else all the good ones are already taken.  Or else on a higher shelf where I can't reach them. 

There are days when it doesn't really bother me.  And then there are days, like yesterday, when it does.  Sitting at home while everyone else is out having fun with their friends, or just going out and doing stuff.  I really miss that. 

Not quite sure how to go about it, but I want a life.  I really do.  Because there are days when I feel every inch of 40, and there are days when I feel like a teenager again.  And truth be told, I like the younger-feeling days!  I want to feel like my whole life is in front of me, instead of trailing behind me like toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe. 

January 1, 2012...A day of new beginnings

January 1. 

Another year has started.

And thus, so has my journey.

I have decided on a few things for this year: 

1-I am going to be myself.  No more hiding my feelings.  No more going with the flow.  From now on, what you see is what you get. 

2-I am going to be happy.  Not that I haven't been happy before in my life.  But this year, I am going to do things for myself because I want to, not because others are pushing me to, or I am expected to. 

3-I am inviting you on my journey.  It is said that everyone needs love, support and encouragement on their journey through life.  So I invite you to respond.  Laugh with me, cry with me, encourage and support me, and voice your opinions.  Please.  I can handle whatever you want to give me, and really...since when does any of your friends ever invite you to be totally open and honest with them? 

Please, feel free to join me.  Who knows what kinds of things we will discover this year?  I can't wait to find out...